


To Keep a Banana Close

by goingtothetardis



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Banana innuendo, Crack, F/M, Haley made me do it, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 05:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13229205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/pseuds/goingtothetardis
Summary: Jack buys the Doctor a rather unique gift.





	To Keep a Banana Close

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Caedmon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/gifts).



> As per usual, this bit of fuckery has been inspired (and prompted) by Caedmon after tagging me in [a video](https://www.facebook.com/superdeluxevideo/videos/597689657242255/?hc_ref=ARQXjyoR-97OOyGQJ_qA5QwtXdMQE-sg7THSs2wHohMAUtT8us8yZUQ5IymHD68QFlk) on Facebook and suggesting I write something about it. So of course, my muse was like, "Oh hey," and this bit of nonsense transpired.
> 
> Haley, Happy New Year!! I hope 2018 is filled with more fuckery than ever before!! Thanks for the joy you bring to my life. 
> 
> Thank you to SelenaTerna for the beta/read through.

Jack mindlessly flips through racks of clothing in the market stall on the Traxxlux asteroid bazaar while eyeing the _gorgeous_ Frennlian alien in the next stall. Those six arms could come in very… handy – he giggles at his own pun – during certain extracurricular activities. 

His attention is momentarily diverted from the Frennlian, however, when his eyes are drawn to a rather unique piece of clothing. Curiosity piqued, he picks up the package and studies the item, unable to keep his lips from twitching into a broad smile. 

“Excuse me, how much for this?” Jack asks, and within moments, money passes hands, and he tucks the item in his satchel. 

Turning back out to the market, he catches the eyes of the Frennlian and steps forward to make his move. “Jack Harkness, at your service.”

* * *

Several hours later, sated and happy, Jack returns to the TARDIS with a jovial jaunt, whistling a little tune he picked up once on some remote trading planet in the Velspar System. 

“Someone’s had a good time,” the Doctor mutters as Jack joins him at the console. 

“Met a _delightful_ Frennlian who showed me how handy having six arms can be while–” 

“No need to bore us with the details, Jack,” the Doctor interrupts with a grimace of disgust. 

“Six arms?” Rose asks, looking up from her 68th century rag with interest. “Really?”

Jack winks at his blonde travel companion. “I’ll tell you all about it later, Rosie. Let’s just say, I got an armful of sexual education today.”

The Doctor groans, flicking levers and pulling the crank to send them into the Vortex. Rose giggles, blushing slightly. He cracks an unrepentant smile. 

“Well, I’m off for a shower,” Rose announces. “Don’t wait up!”

The Doctor nods at Rose, and Jack notes how his eyes follow her out of the console room. With a smirk, he settles into the jumpseat and pulls his satchel into his lap, looking inside for the item he’d purchased earlier. 

“Hey, Doc, bought you a present,” he announces. 

The Doctor turns from watching Rose and focuses his gaze on Jack. “What’s that, then?” Somehow, his face expresses both curiosity and suspicion.

“See, I know how much regard you hold for bananas, and I found this company that makes pants with the express purpose of convenient banana storage.” Jack struggles to keep his face serious as he hands the Doctor the package. 

“No.” The Doctor’s brow furrows as he studies the package of pants advertising the ‘subtle’ and ‘inconspicuous’ pocket for ‘one’s fruit storage needs while on the go.’ “Like me own pants just as they are, thanks. Don’t need a banana pocket, anyway. Got transdimensional pockets that keep my fruit perfectly safe.”

Jack snorts loudly, quickly turning the noise into a not-so-subtle cough. The Doctor eyes jack with suspicion.

“Aw, come on, Doc. Just try them out. It’s always good to keep a banana close. Never know when you might need one in an emergency.” Jack once again schools his features into one of carefully constructed innocence. 

The Doctor turns to face Jack and crosses his arms over his chest, staring at him for several long moments as if he’s checking for cracks in Jack’s facade. Finally, he sighs, and swipes the package out of Jack’s hands. 

Jack smiles. “You’ll love them, I promise.” 

Offering a grunt in reply, the Doctor stalks out of the console room, the package tucked under his arm.

* * *

The next morning, Jack sits with Rose at the kitchen table, and he regales her with a colorful account of his exploits with the Frennlian. She laughs loudly, blushing brightly at the more explicit details, but nevertheless hanging on to his every word.

“Makes a two armed bloke feel rather useless at times, but I definitely rose to the challenge,” he explains, and Rose rolls her eyes and kicks him gently under the table. 

Just then, the Doctor walks into the kitchen, his leather jacket conspicuously absent. Clad only in a dark green jumper and fitted black jeans, he walks toward the counter.

Jack notices the banana shaped bulge at his groin the same moment as Rose, who’d just taken a large sip of tea. She coughs loudly, sending an inelegant spray of tea across the table, then wheezes loudly several times as she catches her breath. 

“Morning, Doc,” Jack says, unable to keep his lips from twitching. “Tip of the morning to ya.” 

Across from him, Rose coughs loudly, her face as red as a ripe tomato. 

The Doctor raises an eyebrow and moves to the table, standing in front of Rose. “Everything all right, Rose?”

Jack watches in amusement as Rose glances at the Doctor, her eyes flicking rapidly between his face and the… banana in his pants. Finally, they focus on the bulge, and after several moments, Rose appears to gain some composure. 

She looks up at the Doctor, her eyes twinking with unrestrained mirth. “Doctor, are you just happy to see me, or is that a banana in your pants?”

“It’s a banana in my pants, Rose!” the Doctor exclaims in delight. “Didn’t think they’d work, since I’ve never had any problem with my pockets, but one can never keep a banana too close.”

Rose chances a glance at Jack, and the second their eyes meet, they collapse into uncontrollable giggles. Jack laughs so hard, tears stream down his face, and Rose holds her belly, struggling to keep herself upright. 

“It’s a…” Rose gasps. “It’s a… a… BANANA HAMMOCK!” The effort to speak sends her into another round of giggles. 

“Oi,” the Doctor huffs, clearly offended by the laughter. “This was a gift, Rose.” 

Sharing another glance with Rose, Jack winks, suggesting that he very well knew what he had given the Doctor. 

“I’m sure you’re very…” Rose blushes an alarming shade of red, “gifted down there, Doctor, but you don’t have anything to prove to us.”

The Doctor’s eyes widen in shock. “It’s banana storage, Rose! Mind out of the gutter.” He walks away, muttering about the bad influence of ex-con men on innocent London girls. 

Rose only laughs harder, wiping tears of mirth from her face. 

Jack grins. 

Mission accomplished.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at goingtothetardis.tumblr.com!


End file.
